Fall Feelings

Today I had that "it's fall!" feeling creep into my heart for just a brief beautiful moment. I remember when I was growing up I always loved fall. The changing leaves, the new pencils and new curriculum (yes, I actually LIKED learning!), the crayon and leaf wax paper placemats, walking outside when the air has that crisp almost biting sensation but the sun is still warm.... ah yes, fall.
I had this feeling driving up Highway 2 back to the office from North Pole. It hit me just breifly. It was more an achey longing for those school day memories than a true enjoyment of the season. I realized again how out of touch I am with this place. Fall for me has always been a part of a seasonal routine. A routine that I don't have here. It signals the coming festive days of Thanksgiving and Christmas. It means spending more time indoors with friends and family eating warm yummy comfort foods. It means wearing my favorite sweaters. It means my little world is rotating, moving forward, and full of joy. It means the craziness of summer is wearing off and the planned days of the rest of the year are taking over.
I have been through so much change in the past 5 years or so, that all sense of routine, of home, of normal is gone. Fall could be moving to a new location, it could be starting school, it could be a new job, it could be a new best friend... it could be being completely and totally alone. I have no routine, no normalness. I've spent the past 4 falls in 4 different parts of the country!!! I feel a bit lost at sea.
I want that sense of security back. I want to have expectations for what happens during this time of year. I want to know what the weather is supposed to be like, what's normal and what's not. I want to actually own the right wardrobe for the climate I live in! I want to know that I have people who will plan something for my birthday and invite us over for Thanksgiving. (this is not a please do something blog.... this is just me being honest with my emotions...) What I really want is to be about 3 years down the road. I want to be a full time Mommy, living close to family, a solid church and group of friends, and a normal routine. Right now? I'm just sort of.... here, with a whole new set of new. AGAIN.
Moving is so hard on my heart. I think I can do like, every 5 years. Even then it tears me apart when I leave, but at least I've had some time to adjust and live before I get uprooted. This every 6 - 14 months thing is awful. I need peace. I need routine. I need to know what to expect for once in my life. I know God is in control. I get that. Believe me I get it! And I am SOOO glad that He is! But boy would it be great to just get some rest....