My vacation has been WONDERFUL! It has definitely been the break I was so desperately craving. The past few weeks have been filled with lots of sleeping in, baking cookies, then eating them of course, going shopping (in grand variety of "normal" stores!), watching TV, and working on puzzles with my mom. It's been so relaxing and rejuvenating! I also re-learned how to crochet and got a few squares done on my big Cathedral Windows quilt.
I've had the luxury of hot coffee and a big breakfast almost every morning, not to mention the home-cooked lunches and fabulous dinners. What a treat! We've also been to see two movies and have been out to eat as a family a couple of times in great restaurants that Fairbanks doesn't have to offer. And no Dad, I'm not talking about Whataburger.
It seems a bit strange to think that in two weeks I will be back in the deep freezer of the world again. It's down to -40 tonight, and I am quite content to be missing it! The weather here has been back and forth between the 40's and upper 70's. ABOVE zero thank you very much. I've thoroughly enjoyed chuckling at everyone who gets "cold" here. My sister borrowed my down coat to go Christmas caroling last week, and I got a kick out of that. Of course, I just chuck that one up to my great taste in coats! Haha.
I have come to realize though, that I made the right decision by staying in Fairbanks during the duration of Brian's deployment. While I have LOVED this vacation, I have been going and doing my own thing so much, that I'm not as available to my husband as I am when I am at home. I'm distracted by all the things I have available to entertain my attention, and I don't have all the resources available to me to support him like I have been doing from home. I'm also more independent, and more of an "adult" when I'm at home... and it would have been so hard for me to transition back into my role as a wife and partner when he got home if I had moved down here. If my parents had a room where I could set myself up and be more independent, have my space and do my own thing... that might be different. But right now, this time around, for me... it was the right decision to stay. And I'm glad to know that this early on into things. It also helps me in thinking about heading home. I know I'm doing the right thing, and I am looking forward to slipping back into my routine. I have a few events coming up to look forward to. I have a few new items for my house to arrange. But mostly I have a fresh perspective which is what I needed the most. :-) Besides the rest of course! And I can't wait to see my sweet puppy!

Sometimes a song says it best... thanks Lifehouse

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In Your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see Your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain is there healing
In Your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hanging on another day just to see what You will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words You say
You said that I will be ok
The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In Your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to You
I'm holdin' on
I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to You

"Alaska is where cars go to die"

At least that's what my husband said. And after this week, I certainly agree with him.

When we first moved here we noticed that a lot of people have auto body damage. Dented fenders, broken lights, cracked windshields, etc. I figured they just weren't careful enough. Then the past week happened to me.

Tuesday night, my dear friend Heather backed into my poor Cavalier, resulting in $3325 of damage. I know it doesn't look that bad. I guess the parts are hard to find for that thing. We're going to talk to an adjuster Monday or Tuesday and find out what our options are. The car itself is only worth about half that!

But wait, it gets better. The same night, I slipped and fell on the ice, breaking the LCD display screen on my phone, and my dog Esther, went into heat. Lovely timing since her dog Jr. isn't fixed either!

Wednesday things went alright. Thursday, I decided to give the truck a try since the Cavalier was going in for it's damage estimate the next morning. So I brushed off the 8 or so inches of snow, started her up, and took her for a spin around the block to see how she'd handle on the ice. I told myself if she slipped at all, I'd put her right back and we'd just go with my banged up Cavalier. So I took the corners at 25 mph instead of 15 to 20, and slammed the brakes to check the traction. All went well! So I loaded up for the afternoon, put on my gloves and off I went for the afternoon's work errands.

No sooner did I round the first corner of our neighborhood did I begin to slide. Just as I felt the car begin to recover, I lost total control, crossed the road, and nose-dived into a deep ditch. Photographed below:

Yeah, good times. That impact was not fun let me tell you. Everything in the truck went flying forwards. Including my cup of hot coffee. Yay.

After calling the police and determining they wouldn't really be able to do anything, I called my boss to tell him what had happened and that I wouldn't be running those errands after all. He ended up coming over to see if he could pull me out, but he decided he couldn't. So, it was time to call the insurance company. They set me up with a tow truck who showed up 20 minutes later with the fire department in tow. It seemed a little dramatic to me. The turned on their lights and blocked traffic so that the tow truck could back me out. At this point I had gone back to my house just a block away, and got the Cavalier so I could follow the tow truck to the auto body shop (conveniently where my appointment for the Cavalier was already scheduled the next morning!). When the fire department saw the damage on THAT car, I had to convince everyone it was from a previous accident and NOT involved. Good grief. "Yeah, it hasn't really been my week", I said.

So now my poor truck is in the shop getting fixed, and my cavalier is sitting out front all banged up until we figure out how to fix it without "totaling" it. What a week! Thank goodness Brian was WONDERFUL about the whole thing. As soon as he knew I was ok, he went straight to comforting me and helping me formulate a plan of action. I love my man!

I can't say he was entirely wrong though with his comment. We've put our cars through alot, and only now have we had real problems. Maybe Alaska really is where cars go to die. Haha.... then again... everything seems to take quite a beating up here.

Fall Feelings

Today I had that "it's fall!" feeling creep into my heart for just a brief beautiful moment. I remember when I was growing up I always loved fall. The changing leaves, the new pencils and new curriculum (yes, I actually LIKED learning!), the crayon and leaf wax paper placemats, walking outside when the air has that crisp almost biting sensation but the sun is still warm.... ah yes, fall.
I had this feeling driving up Highway 2 back to the office from North Pole. It hit me just breifly. It was more an achey longing for those school day memories than a true enjoyment of the season. I realized again how out of touch I am with this place. Fall for me has always been a part of a seasonal routine. A routine that I don't have here. It signals the coming festive days of Thanksgiving and Christmas. It means spending more time indoors with friends and family eating warm yummy comfort foods. It means wearing my favorite sweaters. It means my little world is rotating, moving forward, and full of joy. It means the craziness of summer is wearing off and the planned days of the rest of the year are taking over.
I have been through so much change in the past 5 years or so, that all sense of routine, of home, of normal is gone. Fall could be moving to a new location, it could be starting school, it could be a new job, it could be a new best friend... it could be being completely and totally alone. I have no routine, no normalness. I've spent the past 4 falls in 4 different parts of the country!!! I feel a bit lost at sea.
I want that sense of security back. I want to have expectations for what happens during this time of year. I want to know what the weather is supposed to be like, what's normal and what's not. I want to actually own the right wardrobe for the climate I live in! I want to know that I have people who will plan something for my birthday and invite us over for Thanksgiving. (this is not a please do something blog.... this is just me being honest with my emotions...) What I really want is to be about 3 years down the road. I want to be a full time Mommy, living close to family, a solid church and group of friends, and a normal routine. Right now? I'm just sort of.... here, with a whole new set of new. AGAIN.
Moving is so hard on my heart. I think I can do like, every 5 years. Even then it tears me apart when I leave, but at least I've had some time to adjust and live before I get uprooted. This every 6 - 14 months thing is awful. I need peace. I need routine. I need to know what to expect for once in my life. I know God is in control. I get that. Believe me I get it! And I am SOOO glad that He is! But boy would it be great to just get some rest....

Out of date

So I've been terrible about posting... and I'm way behind! I hope to get caught up soon.

Right now we are in the last week before Brian deploys. The looming departure is sort of hanging over our heads, coloring everything we do and say. We are spending more time than ever just sitting close while we watch TV, and making every effort to spend as much quality time together as possible.

We had proffessional pictures taken of us last night which was really fun! I can't wait to get the proofs back early next week. I wanted to get them done so that we'd each have really good photos of each other during the separation, and before we go through any more major life transitions! The photographer was GREAT and so much fun to work with. She even got me teary during a couple of poses where I got to look him in the eyes. We topped off the evening with dinner at a restaurant which we haven't done in forever.

I'm finding it very hard to be motivated at work. While business is booming, I've developed enough routines and processes to stay pretty caught up. I've even been running out of things to do... It's so hard to sit here and have Cameron "find" things to occupy my time, or wait for him to generate paper work for me when my husband is chilling at home.

And lately.... my heart is just AT HOME. I hate my house. Yes, I hate it. It doesn't feel like a home to me. It gets disorganized SO quickly because of the lack of storage, and there are still a lot of projects we'd like to do to make it our own. It's so different when you are owners. For one thing, when you rent, your space has this blank, white, generic feeling that adapts pretty easily to whatever you put in it. When you own, it's been painted, tweaked and in our case, abused by the previous owner, and just arranging our furniture hasn't been enough to get me feeling at home. Bear with me, here comes the venting: It's not my colors, the floors are soooo hideous and stained, and there is NO WHERE to put ANYTHING!!!
So my house has been tugging at my heart lately, begging me to get a couple of paint cans, some good carpet cleaner, and make it a little more mine. I crave to be cooking up my last batch of groceries into yumminess, and start all the little sewing projects that have my creative spark ignited! I just want to be HOME, doing homey things.

Don't get me wrong, this is a great job! What great hours, income potential, and challenge for both brain and people skills. I do truly like what I do. I just feel out of balance. My home life is out of whack, and I want to fix it! But by the time I get home, I am pretty wiped, and/or focused on spending time with Brian... so all my wish list items get shoved aside another day.

Right now I am just holding on to hope that once Brian has been gone for a few weeks, and I'm moving out of the grieving process, that things will become balanced again and I will find some time for myself. And for my house.

Pre-deployment Ick

Hubby is off at Fort Irwin for training, and I am sad and lonely. I am finding myself far more alone than I some how thought I would feel. The thought of being here in this strange place, in a house that doesn't feel like mine yet, during freezing cold temperatures and who-knows-what else is starting to get really scary. To be bluntly honest, I don't know if I can do this. I know that I will. One awful day at a time if I have to, but I am terrified.
The house is so quiet. Even with the radio or the TV on, it's still deathly quiet with out him here.
I know he's not gone yet... that he will be home in a couple of weeks and we will have one more month together before they ship him off to the other side of the world. But this foretaste is far more intimidating than I imagined it would be. Somehow I thought I would be stronger than this.
It could be this big move. I never transition easily. I am NOT one of those Army wives who lives for the adventure or who gets "antsy" every 2 years for something new. I HATE moving. I have hated it my whole life. The older I get the more I dislike it. I can't wait to settle down somewhere and never move farther than the other side of town again! Those first few months of not knowing anyone and feeling like a complete alien are torture for me. I'm still in that phase now.
Every locale has its own way of driving, it's own traditions, it's own style of interacting with strangers. For me it's like being on a new planet where they think I'm the weirdo and I just can't seem to grasp what the heck they are doing.
Personally, I just don't get Alaska! They drive painfully slow even in perfect weather (as if the 9 months of ice paved roads is still engraved in their brains), they play baseball at midnight in the summer, they forgo summer sleep just because the sun is still up, they think 75 degrees is hot, and they can be very "abrasive" in dealing with you. They say it like it is and don't hold back. Of course, you are by no means supposed to take offense with their gruffness. They don't mean any harm, it's just how they feel! "Common courtesy" as I know it, is seeing as being "sweet". They look at you like you are being all gooey sugary just for saying please and thank you.
Even the housing market here is strange. Rooms are generally smaller. Older builds are more common, and renovating is not huge. The strangest thing of all? You can have a beautiful $400,000 home right next to a wooden shack, and nobody seems to care! I just DON'T get it.
In closing? I want to go home. I REALLY want to go home! But after moving 14 times in 23 years, I have no clue where home is! Home is with my husband. In his arms as I fall asleep, but he's far away, and about to be for a very long time.

*heavy sigh*

I can do this, right? Some how, I will make it through the next 13 or so months and life will continue. I just pray that I will somehow be able to do more than just survive. I hate to think of wasting a year of my life just "waiting".

Borax

I have a new fabulous find! I love Borax. Yes, Borax. It comes in a powder, all boxed up much like powdered milk. Except, I REALLY don't advise you drink it the same way!!! (It's not toxic however...) It softens the hard water in my laundry and dishwasher, cleans soap scum for a shine you will have to see to believe, and TODAY... I used it to lift the coffee spill kindly provided by my dear doggie, Esther. Per the directions, I blotted the spill out of my carpet as much as I could, then sprinkled the borax over the spill. Any moisture remaining was brought right up and soaked up by the borax! Brilliant! It even found a few drops I had missed in my blotting. Now all I have to do is wait for the damp powder to dry and vacuum with my beloved Kirby Sentria. I'll let you know if there is any color residue.
By the way... the water here? HARD!!! Full of minerals, iron, calcium, manganese, and arsenic (in some areas). I have a Brita water filter on our faucet, but it still doesn't catch the high calcium content completely. I get little droplet marks on top of my coffee maker after I pour in my filtered water. Sigh.... oh well. This is only temporary, right?

My first Blog!

So, I've decided to start blogging... just as I've realized how sleepy I am!
I've enjoyed Xanga in the past, but it seems that blogspot is where it's at these days. I still like the idea of having a place to post photos and updates for friends and family. So I suppose we will give this a try again.
We're just getting settled here in Fairbanks, Alaska. We are still looking for somewhere to live, so we are currently nestled into the "cosy" quarters of the Northern Lights Inn at Fort Wainwright. We are hoping to have an offer put in on a condo by the end of next week, but we'll see how it all goes.
For now I think I will wrap this up and decide if I like this set up or not. TTYL!