I know God is here. I am "persecuted but not abandoned". In fact, two nights ago, He gave me a wonderful verse that melted my little heart!
But really some days I'm within inches of losing my mind out here. Haha. I write my blog as a blunt, dry humor look at deployment life in Alaska and I felt like posting "Struggling to be Present" on my Facebook notes, too. The car issue is just one of many that had me struggling to find breathable air today. It's also the carpet order for my house that has now been screwed up 3 times and I finally got refunded today. My boss being out of town, so I am taking calls at home in my "off hours" from freaked out first-time home buyers all day. It's Home Depot promising they can order my fridge for $80 less than Lowe's and then deciding that they've NEVER carried or ordered Frigidaire ever! Then there were the two big trucks who nearly slid into my driver's side on my way home. Or the guy who didn't see me at the stop light AT ALL and nearly plowed straight into me. Yeah.... that one had me laughing hysterically to keep from bawling all the way home. And what's for dinner? Hmmm... how about a frozen breakfast sandwich with french fries because there is so little sense in cooking for ONE?
Yeah. I'm having a hard time. And yeah... I'm a little upset right now. But I'll get through. No God didn't abandon me. I KNOW HE is here. I cannot imagine what I would be like if I didn't have Him. Oh Lord, some heads would be flying! Haha. Instead, I calmed the freaked out home buyers down and calmly and sweetly explained the whole process. So well in fact, they decided to go through with the deal after all! I didn't yell at the Home Depot people, or the Lowe's lady, who come to find out has a husband deploying to Afghanistan next month. I was gracious, understanding and calm. We are all humans who make honest mistakes. I did not give the deserving big truck drivers the fingers... I laughed and thanked my God that I was ok. And yes... cried a couple little tears that I wiped away because nearly getting hit on the ice is scary and frustrating. AND, I will enjoy every yummy bit of my breakfast for dinner with fries. Because sometimes breakfast for dinner is good.
Sometimes I just vent. I'm going to be alright, I just need to let it out. I need people that care about me to know what's going on with me. I need you to understand how very freaking hard it is to do this. I am not looking for you to "pull me back from the edge". I just want you to be in the know about my life. Because you care, and I because I care about you. So thanks for reading... but don't freak out. I do enough of it for all of us. ;-)
January 29, 2009
January 28, 2009
Struggling to be "present"
It’s very difficult to be “present” in a day that you’re not really enthusiastic about participating in in the first place. Yesterday afternoon, one of the gals in the office was stressing the importance of being “present” in your life to another friend who is debating whether or not to take a position that would keep his family here in Alaska longer. As we talked about them staying, she encouraged him to think about the summer months to come, and to really be in each moment. The family is expecting a baby, and she pointed out all the things they could stay and savor if they weren’t trying to relocate. Be present. Show up. LIVE.
I thought about that conversation quite a bit last night. I need to be more “present” in my own life. But it is such a challenge, when you don’t really want to be present in your day sometimes. I don’t want to drive out on the ice. I don’t want deal with another car issue. I don’t want to figure things out by myself. I don’t want to be here with out Brian. Even more true: I am not fully alive without my husband to share things with.
I realize that this is a year I won’t get back again. That this is time in my life passing by, and that regardless… I should make the most of it. It’s just so much more difficult than it sounds.
Last night as I was driving home from my friend’s house, I felt the heater blowing cooler and cooler air. Adjusting the fan and temperature knobs had little effect. I turned everything down to make the warmth last as long as possible. By the time I got home, my car was blowing freezing air and I had turned off the blowers to keep it from making things any colder than they already were. I was a two blocks from home when the tears started rolling down my cheeks.
To fully understand the weight of those tears, let me back this car thing up a bit for you. When I came home from Texas on January 9th, the air outside was a balmy -60 with the wind chill. My car had been sitting outside in the snow and ice for 6 weeks. By the time we returned from the airport, it had been plugged in for 18 or so hours and should have been decently warmed over and ready to start.
However, when we attempted to start it… nothing. No sound, no clicking, no cranking. It had died. A slow, frozen death.
I attempted to make it home that night in my friend’s extra car, so that I could return the next day with a fresh battery in tow. I made it a whole 2 houses down the street before I got stuck in the snow. Ugh. When they went to fire up the other car to come pull me out, THAT battery had gone out and wouldn’t start. “Seriously!? All this just to try to get my car going?”. We finally got car #1 out of the snow, and figured out that the connection between the wires and battery on car #2 was loose. So, 2 problems solved, but my car was still frozen.
The next day, I swapped out my old battery (still under warranty) for a new one and came home with high hopes of driving home by night fall. Ok, so maybe not “nightfall” at 3:30 pm… maybe by dinner?
The new battery helped, but still wouldn’t start the car. Day 2 rolled around, and we called for more back up. Another friend’s husband showed up, and with his help the car was pushed, pulled, and heaved into the garage to thaw out properly. A few hours later, the culprit was finally found. My battery warmer had a broken cord, and the broken cord was shorting out my entire electrical system. Unplug the battery warmer and voila! Running engine. Two days after that I had a new battery warmer and a smoothly running car.
THEN… there was the noise. Something that churned through the system, or that continually rotated was making a sound, and it didn’t sound good. I thought maybe I just needed new fluids! So that Friday I went to Jiffy Lube and had them change everything out. Come to find out, my serpentine belt (apparently a very essential belt) was missing a chink and it was pure luck that I had not broken down on the side of the frozen road already.
In a panic, I called my boss and immediately phoned every mechanic in town until I found someone who could squeeze me in the next day. Working my Saturday work schedule around having my car in the shop proved to be a nightmare that almost cost me my job, but I got it done. Saturday night, much to my relief, the noise was gone and I was safely home with all repairs done. Or so I thought.
And that brings us to today… where it is -24 outside and I had to drive to work in with my fingers clenched around the icy steering wheel, praying that my breath would not cloud up the windshield because I had NO defroster. *sigh*
And yes, this is the same car that got “totaled” already when my friend backed into me in November. It’s also my ONLY safe car on the ice. Pray for my sanity. I’m about to chuck the thing into the Chena river. Haha! No seriously…. Pray for me.
I thought about that conversation quite a bit last night. I need to be more “present” in my own life. But it is such a challenge, when you don’t really want to be present in your day sometimes. I don’t want to drive out on the ice. I don’t want deal with another car issue. I don’t want to figure things out by myself. I don’t want to be here with out Brian. Even more true: I am not fully alive without my husband to share things with.
I realize that this is a year I won’t get back again. That this is time in my life passing by, and that regardless… I should make the most of it. It’s just so much more difficult than it sounds.
Last night as I was driving home from my friend’s house, I felt the heater blowing cooler and cooler air. Adjusting the fan and temperature knobs had little effect. I turned everything down to make the warmth last as long as possible. By the time I got home, my car was blowing freezing air and I had turned off the blowers to keep it from making things any colder than they already were. I was a two blocks from home when the tears started rolling down my cheeks.
To fully understand the weight of those tears, let me back this car thing up a bit for you. When I came home from Texas on January 9th, the air outside was a balmy -60 with the wind chill. My car had been sitting outside in the snow and ice for 6 weeks. By the time we returned from the airport, it had been plugged in for 18 or so hours and should have been decently warmed over and ready to start.
However, when we attempted to start it… nothing. No sound, no clicking, no cranking. It had died. A slow, frozen death.
I attempted to make it home that night in my friend’s extra car, so that I could return the next day with a fresh battery in tow. I made it a whole 2 houses down the street before I got stuck in the snow. Ugh. When they went to fire up the other car to come pull me out, THAT battery had gone out and wouldn’t start. “Seriously!? All this just to try to get my car going?”. We finally got car #1 out of the snow, and figured out that the connection between the wires and battery on car #2 was loose. So, 2 problems solved, but my car was still frozen.
The next day, I swapped out my old battery (still under warranty) for a new one and came home with high hopes of driving home by night fall. Ok, so maybe not “nightfall” at 3:30 pm… maybe by dinner?
The new battery helped, but still wouldn’t start the car. Day 2 rolled around, and we called for more back up. Another friend’s husband showed up, and with his help the car was pushed, pulled, and heaved into the garage to thaw out properly. A few hours later, the culprit was finally found. My battery warmer had a broken cord, and the broken cord was shorting out my entire electrical system. Unplug the battery warmer and voila! Running engine. Two days after that I had a new battery warmer and a smoothly running car.
THEN… there was the noise. Something that churned through the system, or that continually rotated was making a sound, and it didn’t sound good. I thought maybe I just needed new fluids! So that Friday I went to Jiffy Lube and had them change everything out. Come to find out, my serpentine belt (apparently a very essential belt) was missing a chink and it was pure luck that I had not broken down on the side of the frozen road already.
In a panic, I called my boss and immediately phoned every mechanic in town until I found someone who could squeeze me in the next day. Working my Saturday work schedule around having my car in the shop proved to be a nightmare that almost cost me my job, but I got it done. Saturday night, much to my relief, the noise was gone and I was safely home with all repairs done. Or so I thought.
And that brings us to today… where it is -24 outside and I had to drive to work in with my fingers clenched around the icy steering wheel, praying that my breath would not cloud up the windshield because I had NO defroster. *sigh*
And yes, this is the same car that got “totaled” already when my friend backed into me in November. It’s also my ONLY safe car on the ice. Pray for my sanity. I’m about to chuck the thing into the Chena river. Haha! No seriously…. Pray for me.
My friend and 9 Things
So my beautiful friend Mandy has been blogging her 9 Things. 9 things she loves about her man, being a mommy, living in the desert, etc. Today of all days, when I am feeling very low and ultra challenged by this whole do-it-yourself-deployment, I am inspired to see if I can take the high road and find 9 things that I like (Love is a strong word for me) about living here.
1. The way the whole world, even the road as I'm driving, sparkles like diamonds when there is fresh snow
2. The Aurora Borealis was the single most stunning thing I've ever seen
3. The fall leaves are beautiful
4. I get to paint the inside of my house any color I please
5. I have a wonderful friend who makes me feel very needed and appreciated
6. Your ice cream never melts on the way home. Then again your milk does freeze on the way home... but I'm trying to think positive!
7. The rolling green hills are pretty in the summer
8. I can be anywhere in town in less than 20 minutes
9. There is a Thai place in town that makes Penang Curry to DIE for!
And 20 minutes later I have a list!
1. The way the whole world, even the road as I'm driving, sparkles like diamonds when there is fresh snow
2. The Aurora Borealis was the single most stunning thing I've ever seen
3. The fall leaves are beautiful
4. I get to paint the inside of my house any color I please
5. I have a wonderful friend who makes me feel very needed and appreciated
6. Your ice cream never melts on the way home. Then again your milk does freeze on the way home... but I'm trying to think positive!
7. The rolling green hills are pretty in the summer
8. I can be anywhere in town in less than 20 minutes
9. There is a Thai place in town that makes Penang Curry to DIE for!
And 20 minutes later I have a list!
January 21, 2009
Another Fairbanks morning...
So I hit the snooze button two too many times this morning and found myself behind as usual. So much for the 6:30am wake-ups I was accomplishing right after getting home from my trip!
I headed downstairs, started my coffee, and hit the shower. When I got out, the time on the clock hit me like a ton of bricks. 8:18 already!? How!? So, it will be jeans and wet hair pulled up today.
I finish my make-up, throw on my shoes, and run out to start the car. She grumbles to life in the frigid air, and I think to myself that I feel a bit grumbly, too. I run back inside. "Ok, think Autumn! Let out the dog, pour my coffee, put the dog in the crate today because he's coming to start on the bathroom later... the bathroom! Crap!"
I run upstairs and grab sheets to cover the washer/dryer so they don't get covered with sheet rock dust. Ok, back on track. Where was I? Oh yeah... still need that coffee. I pour the coffee, zip up my coat, put on my gloves, and lock the door behind me.
The ice is still too thick on the car to go ANYWHERE, so I spend the next five minutes scraping ice off my windows. I plop into the driver’s seat with frozen ears, nose, and fingers. Hmm… something in the car is still making that burning/hot smell. Mental note to get that checked. Great… another car issue. I make it around the first three corners without sliding, hooray! It’s gonna be a decent day on the roads. And look…. The sunlight. (insert angelic choir sounds here) There on the horizon is a soft pink and yellow glow. Happiness.
Everything goes smoothly until I get to work until I realize that in my haste I forgot my purse at home. Crap again. And so began another Fairbanks morning. At least I remembered my good coffee!
I headed downstairs, started my coffee, and hit the shower. When I got out, the time on the clock hit me like a ton of bricks. 8:18 already!? How!? So, it will be jeans and wet hair pulled up today.
I finish my make-up, throw on my shoes, and run out to start the car. She grumbles to life in the frigid air, and I think to myself that I feel a bit grumbly, too. I run back inside. "Ok, think Autumn! Let out the dog, pour my coffee, put the dog in the crate today because he's coming to start on the bathroom later... the bathroom! Crap!"
I run upstairs and grab sheets to cover the washer/dryer so they don't get covered with sheet rock dust. Ok, back on track. Where was I? Oh yeah... still need that coffee. I pour the coffee, zip up my coat, put on my gloves, and lock the door behind me.
The ice is still too thick on the car to go ANYWHERE, so I spend the next five minutes scraping ice off my windows. I plop into the driver’s seat with frozen ears, nose, and fingers. Hmm… something in the car is still making that burning/hot smell. Mental note to get that checked. Great… another car issue. I make it around the first three corners without sliding, hooray! It’s gonna be a decent day on the roads. And look…. The sunlight. (insert angelic choir sounds here) There on the horizon is a soft pink and yellow glow. Happiness.
Everything goes smoothly until I get to work until I realize that in my haste I forgot my purse at home. Crap again. And so began another Fairbanks morning. At least I remembered my good coffee!
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